Going away

This may be the last entry for a little while. Work has yet again evaporated into thin air and they don't think there will be any work for at least a week and a half so, to save money, I'm going to go and stay in the caravan at the DZ for a week. There's a training camp on so there will be people around and I won't be alone which is nice. So, if no work appears (or even the promise of work) very very soon then I will disappear for a week and spend some time with my friends, being jealous that I can't jump, and having a great time on my birthday :) I do feel that I must apologise for the last blog but one. I know you must all be fed up to the back teeth with me being pathetic over the current situation with TAB (and I'm not even going to repeat some of the other names people have come up with for him). The truth is that mostly, the good times do outweigh the bad. I did cheat on him for which I am truly sorry, if there was anything I could do to erase that particular bad decision from my life then I would be doing it before I'd even thought about it. It has been really difficult with me being away for quite a while, for both of us. I have this nasty little green eyed monster that rears it's ugly head every time he mentions ex-girlfriends who stay over or friends that he sees a lot of. It's not pretty and it's not a nice trait, I just can't help it. Despite that, he hasn't actually gone off with someone else. I know him well enough to know that he would actually tell me, of that I can be sure. This doesn't change the fact that yes, generally, he is commitment-phobic. This in turn helps fuel the little green monster because, as some of you know, the last man who I really liked was also commitment-phobic (or at least, he was with me) and then proceeded to go with another girl while I was away on holiday. The one before that already had a girlfriend. My relationship history is by no means pretty. The main reason that all of this hurts so damn much is that I really do care for him. It hurts when I'm not with him and I'd give anything to wake up in his arms rather than on the really quite uncomfortable single bunk bed I'm currently occupying. I smile for hours whenever I get messages or phone calls from him (apart from the one telling me he wouldn't be around for Christmas). I am, in short, totally and utterly gone on this boy. So, despite the fact I can see the faults I can't let go at this moment in time. Rather pathetic I know and I'm probably letting myself in for more heartbreak but I can't help myself. I'm also a hopeless romantic who has been reading FAR too many Mills and Boon books for her own good.