Not good

Mum is going to kill me when she gets back from work. I'm supposed to be ringing Universities about their PGCE courses. As I sat there, phone in hand I suddenly realised I have not got the faintest idea what I'm supposed to be ringing these places for. Why am I talking to them? What am I supposed to be asking them? Really, truly, what on earth is going on? Following this rather distressing realisation that I don't have a clue what I'm doing was the sudden revelation that one reason I've been putting this research off is because I've been kidding myself. I do not, under any circumstances, want to go back to University. The last time was bad enough. I had a horrendous 3 years (although, to be fair, that was not entirely the University's fault) and am definately not cut out for academic studies. In helping mum sort out the attic before the builders arrive I found some of my old degree essays and notes and when I re-read it I did laugh. A lot. As essays go it was all over the place, I didn't have a clue what I was talking about and I can remember thinking that at the time. All I was doing was waffling enough to get the word limit up. Only the first 2 pages were anything to do with the essay question. The worrying thing is that ALL MY ESSAYS WERE LIKE THAT. Not just uni ones either, all my A-level essays were similarly bizarre because I generally didn't know what the hell was going on, not because I wasn't trying, I was; but just because I'm not very good at that sort of thing. I didn't even hand in my dissertation as I nearly had a nervous breakdown about it. In a whole year I didn't write one word of it. Not one. And trust me, I spent enough hours sitting there trying to read things for it and sitting in front of my pc willing the words to appear. They didn't. Even thinking of attempting to do something of that sort now has my heart racing in terror. This whole 'I'll be a teacher' idea has come about because of one thing. I want to emigrate and what I AM good at, isn't on the skills shortage list for Australia. And, much as I love this place, my family and friends, I think I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life when I ran this far to escape the CTG when I didn't have to. Teaching is one of the few avenues open to me to get skilled but is it really fair to go to all that expense and training and not have my heart in the job (and, to be perfectly honest, be absolutely terrified of standing up there in front of a whole group of kids)? What am I going to do?