I can't sleep

This has been going on for days. Weeks even. I lie there in bed for hours tired, knackered, shattered, desperately needing to close my eyes becaus they've got to that nasty grainy stage where it hurts to have them open but still. I can't sleep. I lie there and having got to the point where I'm too tired to read anymore I turn the lights off. I just wish I could turn my brain off the same way. I can't control what it does and where it goes and I really wish I could. Sometimes I can't stop thinking about why TAB and I went wrong and how really despicable a thing it was I did. Sometimes I think about what I'm doing here and how the hell I'm going to get my life started again. Mostly, I go back to the couple of days around Valentines day. Occasionally it unfolds before my grainy, sore eyes just like it did then and as I go through being carried to the car, unable to open my eyes, listening to him laugh, I wonder what's going on, why did he do this to me? A lot of the time I go through all the possible scenarios. The ones where I decided not to try and stand up for myself this time and just went home like he told me to. The ones where there was no argument at all. The ones where I blame myself completely for what happened but, being sort of fair, also the ones where he is totally and utterly to blame. He didn't have to hit me, that was a choice he made. I didn't have to argue, that was a choice I made. The full surround sound digital quality picture that I've been plagued with the last couple of nights is the feeling of utter hopelessness, weakness, inability to make my brain work and most of all complete and utter shame when my friend dragged me to my boss the next day at work and made me tell him what had happened because both the CTG and I worked in the same place. I could not compose myself, I couldn't stop crying and, later that day, I couldn't stop my legs from deciding not to work either. I know now that I had concussion but at the time I felt so useless and I don't ever want to feel like that again. So why is my brain being so unco-operative? Because I can't sleep in the evenings when I do finally get to sleep I can't wake up in the mornings because I'm so knackered. If I keep up like this I'm going to become completely nocturnal. I just want to to stop.