Breaking down

Had a bit of a bad day on Saturday. All the stress, all the worries and fears, all the longing to just be held by my fiance, to feel his arms around me telling me it's all going to be ok, all the trying to find energy to hate my job like I used to because I dislike being apathetic, it feels like giving up, all the bad dreams (trust me, some of them were REALLY disturbing), all the needing to, wanting to, but being unable to sleep. All of it, everything that has been bothering me for the last 6 months (or as near to as makes no difference - 6 MONTHS apart!) burst open like a festering sore. I know it was for the best and it probably needed to happen but bloody hell it's unpleasant whilst it's going on. It also rather shocked everyone at work to see this normally composed, cheerful, person break into uncontrollable floods of tears for 2 whole hours*. Then again when I got home and tried to tell mum what had happened. I felt like a schoolchild again because mum had to ring the pub and tell them I wasn't coming in. I feel a lot better now :) Although, it's probably a good thing that my medical had been the week before - I dread to think what would have happened if the examining doctor had asked 'Are you feeling sad or down at the moment?' and I'd burst into floods of tears... *actually they didn't see the first hour because I hid in the car and scared customers

Sorrow

I think I lost something tonight. Something that I hope is not lost forever. It may be that it was lost the moment I came home but that the absense had not been noted until now and in the noticing has grown to huge proportions*. A family friend of long standing, from whom I would expect on greeting after an absense, be it of one day or one year, a hug and a kiss on the cheek and an equiry about how I was doing to say the least. These were noticibly lacking. I didn't even feel acknowledged until I had been in the company of said person for over 2 hours when the subject of my emigration entered the conversation. Whilst avoiding my eyes he said 'I'm know why you're going and I'm glad for you but I have no wish to go to Australia'. That in itself is fair enough and I understand that. Not everyone wants to go to the other side of the world and, if I had not got a wonderful fiance over there for whom I would do anything, I probably would not be going back either. Should I choose it, there is a life for me here - a wonderful life. But there is where my love is and there is where I shall go, happily. I may be over-reacting, I may be reading into things that aren't there but I know what I felt and I felt excluded. Tonight I felt I was an outsider looking in, a stranger to this most familar group of people where once I had been a part of it and all because I seem to have lost the good opinion of one who means a lot to me. *I know what I mean